did it ever occur to you that the advice we give others might be exaclty what we want to hear ourselves?

take me back here.

"Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can share its joy."
Proverbs 14:10
--

what i have been learning lately is that you have to depend on God for absolutely everything in your life. because when that one thing lets you down...

it remains as another reminder to why you should have trusted God in the first place.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21


God's purpose, not mine, not my wants, not my desires. God's.
another lesson, another moment, another pointer.
this world is not my home, i'm just moving through.

Monday I felt really compelled to write a letter.
and i knew exactly to whom it was supposed to be written
words flowed so easily and I was able to express so much to this person
so much that I wrote three pages worth.
after I had finished writing it
I didn't know if I should send it or not
I knew that the words flowed freely
and I had never been one for well composed thoughts
I knew then that God had written the letter
no doubt.


I stared at the envelope on my desk for several passing minutes
the whole while I was struggling with sending it
I went ahead and decided to write the adress, and put postage on it
I didn't know why I wrote the letter,maybe I was wrong
or maybe God had me write the letter for me to keep, and remember.
doubts crossed through my mind, and dreadfully I walked to the mailbox

I have been dreading a resonse from this person for the last few days, what would they think,
would it go over okay? I knew it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't easy. Was it the right timing?

My mom got a phone call from that person today,
it was my Grandma
she was crying as she told my mom about the letter I had written.
My grandma said she had read it over and over, and was planning on reading it again today. She said the letter really encouraged her. And how she wished my mother could read the letter.

Why do I not trust my Father? Having God speak to you, is crazy. I wish I was so in tune to him and others that I would hear him more often.

i find it funny, how things that used to bother me. don't.
things that would eat at me, well they don't anymore
i have no good explanation.
in fact might i say i enjoyed my misery?
does that sound to self centered?
probably.

you know what else i find funny.
people.
the past few weeks i have really thought about my motives
why i do what i do
in all areas of life.
and when i watch other people. certain people.
you see them do the same things you do.
and then you know why they do it.
and that bothered me.
but now it doesn't
i have come to realize something.

yesterday, it occurred to me that i am the happiest i have been in a very long time. and without going into great detail about what that really means, i will say this. for once i feel really happy. not one built on pretensions or false hopes or illusions or on anything really. i am happy, but i think that what i'm feeling is also excitement. because i am really really really excited.

i do not want to put my God in a box
i don't want to decided what he can and can not do
who am i to decided
"oh God, see you can't do that, you don't understand, see we don't do that"
"i don't believe in that, therefore you can not do that"
who am i


Oh i want to get this, i want to get this so badly.
Oh father, surprise me.
really surprise me.
whatever, whatever it is that i cling to.
you want my "religion" take it
i'm a Jesus follower
you want my "title"
take it,
i'll be the worthless servant
but I will not put you in a box.

1 Peter 1:6-9

this is not my home
this is not my home