Here's a little dose of honesty.


So this morning I got up, I was ready for a change, I was ready to have a smile on my face, ready for my worries about school to fade into the background. I was ready this morning to enjoy my Saturday, to coach upward, and enjoy my time with those girls.

So this morning all I could think of was how I hated school and especially American Politics. I wanted to freak out this morning and complain about everything. Except that wasn't going to serve anyone, despite how good it might have felt. So I complained to God. I made an ever so small effort to pray about it. You know the call upon God sorta thing.

Now, I can't say I'm full of joy, in fact i'm still worrying, but that's no ones fault except for mine. But things are looking up.

My point here is that God is good.

It's not even that I think prayer is a quick-fix method. You know, like the easy bake cakes or something. It's something I can't explain. This peace or joy is definitely not a result of something I have done, that's obvious. It's not even so much about the fact that I prayed. The point here is that God is full of grace. This is just another cup of God's grace in my life. For that, I am ever thankful. There is just so much to thank God for today.

I looked up at the sky tonight, and I started laughing. Did you see the stars? Did you see how beautiful they were. I wish you did. Because nothing brings joy like a good dose of God's creation.

I am thankful for today and for that I can thank God. Because there are so many days in my life when I feel like I should be thanking God but when really I just want to scream and shout about how things in life are unfair. Then I realize how everybody is going things that are 10X worse then my trivial issues with school. I feel horribly selfish and really wish deep down that I had a different mindset. But I am not there yet, and I am not sure if I will ever be there, life is a journey you know...

If you would have told me this morning that everything would be fine, I probably would have wanted to slap you. If you even told me not to freak out, I would have told you that it's not that easy. But you know what it is that easy. God is in control of my life, all of it, not just parts. and I will welcome anything he is trying to teach me through these situations, as hard as it may be. This is not a surprise to him. In fact I begged for things to be different, I really did, but maybe I need to go through times like this. Times were life isn't perfect and there isn't a cherry on top.

There is no quick fix solution to this. I think Satan just knows what I struggle with most. Am I foolish enough to think that I am not subject to his schemes. Stress and I are just in a constant battle. It's a struggle. Just like all of life is a struggle.
and I know all these feelings will come back tomorrow, just like they were here today.
But for today, I am rejoicing in God's goodness. Life really should be just taken day by day.

"Cause nothing is worth this heavy heart."

I have learned there is only one way to start my day in a successful way.

and that's by prayer, because right now, I need all the grace I can get.

19 hours plus re-doing the lab manual that my teacher somehow lost last semester...

total of 20 hours

I must be nuts.

did you ever think of telling Satan to get lost? to leave you alone?

have you ever thought of telling Satan that God owns your heart and thoughts and emotions and feelings, so he may as well leave because there is no place in your heart and mind for him?

tell him.

i found something last night.
and it was honesty.
i found honesty in two people that I never thought I would find it in
it wasn't anything special
nothing to hide
nothing to dance around
but also...nothing to be proud of
i hardly know them
but last night makes me want to get to know them more.

I thought I wanted it.

but then....I realized I wanted nothing like it.

it was a crazy night, one I wouldn't choose to re-live

and within the briefest second you realize how fragile life is.

you can't manage any of it. you think you can.
but it's so out of your hands.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I sure know of some people that could use a night like that.

but it was horrible.

but if it had to happen, i'm glad it happened like it did.