loving is not easy. i fail at love.
if loving were easy, i don't think God would make it such a high priority
i am selfish. i want to do things to please myself, to make things easier for myself, to make me happy. i do what it takes to uphold my self-image. i am nice to people to make myself look better. i think i am better than people. i justify my actions when they're wrong. i hate people because they do things that i think are stupid. i want to slap people when they annoy me. i fill my life to the brim with things that keep me busy, then let me spiritual life go. i let my prayer and my reading the bible become routine. i do things because i know i should, rather than doing them because i want to. i let everything else become my priority.
i live in the moment, in my feelings, and i let these things affect me instead of trusting in God.
this is my nature. this is quite often what i think, which inevitably effects what i want. this is how i act. this is what i naturally fall to."the truth is in,
the proof is when,
i hear my heart start asking,
what's my motivation?"
but love is a sacrifice*. love is not any of these things. love is never about me. if i'm doing it for myself, then i'm not doing it for anyone else.
i can dissect my feelings. i can tell you why i act one way or feel this way. yet how the hey can i love you?
the only way i can answer this is to try and take i out of the sentence. and it's not me who can answer it, it's already been answered.
the world has been given the perfect example of love.
this is unfathomable.
how can there be an example of all that love entails? without flaw, without failing.
we are loved immeasurably, i am loved immeasurably. and we don't deserve this. i don't deserve this.
He didn't deserve this, the blood pouring out, the thorns digging into his skin, the holes that the nails carved, the whip searing into his back,
the rejection of His Father. He endured it all, the physical, the emotional, the mental, and the spiritual. it is not just what He did, but what He is doing.
here i am: destroying others, destroying the fragile parts of my relationship with God. yet He continues to care for me, continues to hold me, continues to bless me; continues to love me.
if i had been the only person in this world, He would have done all this for me. and what have i done? nothing good on my own, nothing good at all. yet i told you i would take myself out of this. and so i will. here you are. and what are you doing? it shouldn't matter to me. but here also is God. and what has He done? He did all this. for every single person that has lived, living, and is yet to live in the world. it does not matter what they have done or what they will do. had i not been a part of this world, He would have done it. had they been the only person ever to exist in the world, He would have it done it for them.
i would not have wanted to do this, i could not have done this, i would not have done this. and for that, i owe my life.that is what it comes down to. love is written through every word in the bible. it is so much more than we know it as, than we can imagine it as. we have been given an incomprehensible love. the only thing we have left to do, is to reciprocate it, back to our creator and all that he has created. it already has been perfected for us.
i just wish i could GET it, it's so much easier to say it
right now...i don't really feel like loving
i feel like accusing, pointing fingers
and confronting
but right now
i just need to shut up
and let God speak to me
and forget about Him *fixing* that person
