So I have a confession. I struggle with these things. I struggle with my prayer life. I struggle with putting earthly relationships above my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I struggle with complaining DAILY. I struggle with pride and bitterness and anger. The struggle of Paul in Romans 7 is very real to me: "I do what I do not want to do, and I don't do what I do what to do." I struggle with letting my emotions control me. I struggle with selfishness and storing up for myself treasures here on earth. I struggle with honoring my parents. I struggle with being a Pharisee and a legalist CONSTANTLY. I struggle with taming my tongue. I struggle with being still before a Holy God and simply listening. I struggle with lusting after the gold of the world that does not last and does not satisfy. I struggle with digging out broken, dusty, dry cisterns that hold no water...while I look at the Fountain of Living Water and refuse to drink. I struggle with reaching the lost.

I struggle with trusting my Heavenly Father, which is completely bogus. He died for me, and that should make me prostrate myself before Him in sheer awe, respect, boldness, and love.

I don't know.
I've just not been myself for months
yes months.
and I am sure not many of you noticed, but I know I had some points when it showed.
I lost the joy, I lost the enthusiasm, and I really lost the gratitude.

I was just so sick of the godlessness in people that claimed to have it
and that's no excuse, no none at all.
but I became just like them.

My life with God, was failing. Failing, and after rescuing it, I know what I was missing.
It became a habit rather then a addiction.
It became something I never should have let it become.
It became too routine.

And as I found out when my God life fails, so does everything else.
So I'm sorry

¹This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.

²For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,

³Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,

⁴Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;

⁵Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

I always assumed that there were a certain list of people you could always trust.

so tell me this.
what do you do when those people fail you.
what do you do?

I had this feeling, deep down.
didn't want to admit it was there,
or maybe I didn't really know it was there.

just a feeling that something wasn't right

I learned a lot of things today
and it left me thinking
the kind of thinking you do when you question something

It made me extremely grateful for my family.
No matter how crazy, I love them.
Because humanly speaking they will always be there for me
No matter what.

You know that statement I made a while back...

"I have come to realize that hearts are complex and we’re all liars."

I think that was todays key phrase.
it's amazing what you think through, when you have nothing to do but think.

I had a wonderful evening.
really wonderful.
Joy is in the eye of the beholder.
Father, you are so good!

Afraid? Of what?
To feel the spirit's glad release?
To pass from pain to perfect peace,
The strife and strain of life to cease?
Afraid- of that?

Afraid? Of what?
Afraid to see the Savior's face
To hear his welcome, and to trace
The glory gleam from wounds of grace?
Afraid- of that?

Afraid? Of what?
A flash, a crash, a pierced heart;
Darkness, light, O Heaven's art!
A wound of his a counterpart!
Afraid- of that?

Afraid? of what?
To do by death what life could not
Baptize with blood a stony plot,
Till souls shall blossom from the spot?
Afraid- Of that?
-Safely Home

No one to fear him. No one to revere him. No one to hear him. No one to think about him.

He who had claimed to be savior was forever without a savior. Ignored and insignificant. Empty and embittered and regretful. Without a following. Without a heart. Without a hope.

But this is my place. This is where I belong. At the foot of the cross - for all my life. Crying out, confessing, asking for forgiveness, breaking...and being upheld by Him. I will always be asking, learning, wondering, questioning, growing, needing. And God will always be there. Being saved will not turn me into a super hero who can do everything and anything and be everything to everyone - as much as I'd like it to.

being a child of God means I will always have to be humbled, lowered, selfless, serving. It is entirely non-self-glorifying; it is completely humbling. I keep jumping up off of my knees and saying "Thanks God! Same time next week when I sin again!"...but I should always be on my knees.

I have experienced so much of His love, but He is so unimaginably...big, so beyond me, bigger than life, that what I have had seems so tiny in comparison. And I find myself asking for more of Him, and then sinning against Him.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." - 1 Corinthians 13: 12

Even as I am fully known? He knows me more than any other person could.

I have come to realize something, I think.
I make wrong choices, we all do.
and I "feel" like I have the power within my self to stop making these wrong choices.
If I have learned anything over the past weeks it's that that is not true.
in the least.

you know how the bible says there is not even once ounce of good in man.
well that is seeming to become more true in my eyes, I think I am finally understanding that. even just a little bit.

any good I am capable of "whipping" up isn't me.
and I always thought it was (maybe not on a conscious level)
I mean if it was really good I knew that was God( of course), but I thought the little things were me, I thought I could handle the really small things and make a good decision
there is nothing good about me
other then the Savior that has come to rescue me

something I have been learning over the past few months


"Every breath that I take
Is your faithfulness proved
And at the end of each day
When my labors are through
I will sing of Your mercies anew"

love is not self-seeking.
love always protects.
love does no harm to its neighbor.
love must be sincere.
love honors one another above yourself.
love is being devoted to one another.
love is a debt that is never finished being paid.
love fulfills the law.

love is a garment that i often forget to put on.
and sometimes, purposely.


love does no harm to its neighbor.
oh. are there any exceptions to this one?
darn.

the great joy that someone is experiencing right now. i'm sure there are no words. I wish I could be there.

it's hard to be mad when someone brings you flowers.
darn.

when the quietness of the night swoops in
I can feel your handiworks by the steady beat of my heart
the heart you gently and perfectly crafted
a heart that was never understood, and surely never acknowledged for it's abilities
the heart that will never fail me until that predestined moment
where I see my glorious, merciful, savior.
the one that has wiped the tears from my eyes
the one that brought me out of the bitter darkness to His marvelous light
and as emotion overcomes my being
I fall to my knees and proclaim the words that have always echoed through my intricate being
Holy, Holy, Holy
no words are used, but silence proclaims all that needs to be heard.
in the moment I feel no agony, no pain, nothing but complete peace.


even in the stillness you were with me
you guided my steps
and you power was manifested in my utmost weakness

I will praise you for now I know, that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

when the complicated things are washed away
and the emotion stripped out
when the cares and loves of the passing world are wiped out
there will be one that rings most clear
the big canvas will be displayed
the deep red blood stains will shine the most clear
and the crowns will be laid at the feet of the one who suffered to be glorified