I find my life really confusing right now.

looking back at old friends, old old friends, graduating from high school gives me the chills. when I left them we were just finishing up middle school. that seems forever away. I hurt for the old times. when being immature was part of the fun. I think of the sleepovers, the all-nighters, the theme park trips, the homeschool sewing classes (oh boy), all the church plays, I could go on forever.

I stake too much in what people think about me.

" I still, like lots of other Christians, forget who I am. I still give other people's words too much power. I don't have it all figured out. Instead, more than anything, life feels like it’s been a long series of believing that I am not who other people define me to be, I am a son of God. I am God’s work of art. And the more I have been open to believing that, the more He’s shown me it’s true."
Jonathan Acuff

instead of seeing a mess up
God sees His child
that He loves
and that is what defines me

two things I absolutley hate.

1. an apology that is not sincere, gosh, why even bother?
2. an apology that restates in a sly way that the apologizer still believes they did nothing wrong.

I had the best day today.

so I was reading my blog posts from two years ago on my other blog. ming, lol. yea. go read them, you will laugh.

i'm sorry that they screwed your year up.

i miss something I never had. and that's the weirdest feeling ever.

I want a reckless faith.
the kind of faith where it's ok to die tomorrow if God's name is glorified.
I have all these lofty plans for my life, but they don't matter if I have the opportunity to glorify God in my dying breath.

somewhere there is a disconnect that heaven will be so much more glorious then any second on earth. it's like i'm enjoying the small muddy puddle where God has an endless beautiful ocean.

I hate that i'm so comfortable here. I should be sacrificing something. Am I even fulfilling what Christ called me to do if I am not out there in the trenches like those that have gone before me?

the last thing I want to do with my short moment on earth is to make it worthless, the thought just makes me so angry. but I feel like right now, that is where I am.

I am so sick of the Christians that don't get it. yet I feel like I am stuck in the rut with them half the time.

just like them i'll complain. about the stupidest things.
like last night, I could have written the longest list.
it's about time I get over myself. bring on the mushrooms.

i'm sick of some of us that waste so much time tearing our brothers and sisters down. do you not understand we are fighting for the same cause. and I wish I could just come right out and confront you, but I know I do it too.

I feel like I am missing what God really has for me, I can feel it, but it is still just past my reach, I can stretch my arm out and the feeling gets bigger yet I still can't hold it. and i'm longing for it to envelop me.

I think I just need a break, i'm frustrated with the Church, i'm frustrated with myself.
God promised me something different this semester, and I can't wait to see what it is.
I am about to take this big step onto this mile long swinging bridge that fills the gap of a huge chasm. & if i miss the first step, it's over.